A conversation I had with someone I thought I knew

I saw a girl the other day in the mall near my house (yay markville) and I had an odd converstaion with her. I thought I knew her pretty well. But everyone and then you talk to people you thought you knew pretty well but then you realize that you probably dont know them at all. She was what I would consider weird anyways, so I cant say that the conversation surprised me…but it did make me wonder a bit.

She told me that she had been doing coke for a while and that’s how she lost alot of weight ( I do remember her being a little chubby) then she asked me how I stayed so thin…And I guess what I said was a bit harsh and a stab in the heart on my part; “I just have good genes I guess. I generally eat whatever I want and this is how it works out.” She seemed a little taken back by that and how I said all matter of factly. I didnt intend to say it that way but it was the truth…that’s why I’m so thin….well part of the reason. But seem so take back…like i insulted her. And yet some how my answer was shocking but hers wasnt?

Doesnt really matter though…i never really liked her. I’m always awkward when I bump into people I used to know and yet never liked. They do that “Oh my god! I havent seen you in so long” and in my mind I’m thinking dont you think there is a reason for that?…I’m not sure why someone you havent seen recently or in say…5 years? seems to be so interesting. why does she want to know what i’m doing now…if she really cared wouldnt she have stayed in touch? I never liked her so I didnt keep in touch regardless of what she wrote in my year book. Still not sure why she wrote in it….but still. If I didnt like her then I most certainly dont like her now.  I used to live in scarborough, so i generally stay out of the scarborough town center to avoid situations like that…and yet some how it always seems to happen when you least expect it…*sigh* will I ever learn.

I am what I am and that’s all that I am.

It’s always hard to be a relationship. Period.

I say this only because I am having more then trouble in mine. I just want love. I want to know what it is and feel it and have and keep it. It’s hard to have courage to let go. I feel like i’m looking for something that’s not real. I feel like i’m trying to force the one I say I love to love me the way I want them to love me. I think I may have said love to many times there… but then I realize that I dont really know what love is. I sometimes believe that my perception of love is souly dependant on movie romance. It’s as if I have some big misconceptions about what love is and I really have no one to tell me what it really is. Everyone I know tells me something different and the only comment that is the same is that “when you know you’ll know” well i’m sorry but I dont.

I dont even know what i’m supposed to be looking for…and am I really suposed to be looking…or will it all just kind of come to me? I just get a feeling and thats it. If you ask me that sounds like a whole lot of bull shit.

Thanks for nothing, British professor.

I had a great birthday for the most part. Got a hot little pair of puma’s (the speed cat ones; black and white) I may never actually wear them from pure fear of getting them dirty. I have a habbit of doing that, I am very much the reason why I cant have nice things. anyways, on my way home from a friends house downtown I happend to catch a glimps of that newspaper 24 hours. A big bold head line read “Most depressing day of the year” …ouch. So I had to find out why my birthday was plagued with the sadness of an entire year. Apparently “A British professor has determined Jan. 24 is the most depressing day of the year, after formulating an equation that looked at weather, mounting Christmas bills and the early stages of New Year’s resolutions — adding up to the lowest emotional point of 365 days. ” I knew I didnt really like the British. pfft….shouldn’t people by trying to cure cancer or something instead of blaming my poor birthday for their over spending and short comings? how is my fault that because Johny McDouchebag wanted to lose 20 pounds but is just to lazy to do it?! if you want to know my opinion…I think Valentine’s day is the most depressing day of the year…think of all the single people… suicide watch goes into overdrive on that day…but no. That day gets greeting cards…and what do I get? headlines! I get mean mean headlines.

well if they had asked me I would have told them that today is an awsome day! It’s the day I began, what’s better then that? I’m awsome! And today was awsome! it wasn’t as cold as yesterday, the sun was out, I got some hot shoes, and my facebook page was flooded with well-wishes! Today is awsome and any who tries to convince you of this ‘worst day of the year’ bullshit tell them to get a hold of their lives and stop blaming their problems on curcumstance! yeah winter sucks…it happens every year…dont like? move. Awww jenny wanted to lose weight but stopped working out? get off your ass and stop eating junk food.

grrr. I’m all pissed off now. I’m going to eat cake.

lets get physical

My friend wants to start working out and invited me to work out with her tuesday evenings. Hmm. I’m not sure i really want to workout. I like my slightly round shape. I enjoy the fact that I someone am not in shape, gives me a good reason never to run! “oh I can’t run after you today, I’m far to out of shape.” perhaps it’s the excuses I like more then anything else. And as to keep up with my new years resolution I really would have to do the best I could at it, and maybe I would like to avoid give my all to sweating every evening. Plus the cost….I’m more the living paycheck to paycheck…i’m more like struggling….non the less, I dont think I want to  do that at all. But who knows, I may just end up doing it.

They say working out is good for but I always hurt so much after it….How good can something be if it hurts? I could just be missing the point. More then likely.