Healing in a size 6…

It seems like a very girlie thing for me to say, and girlie is one thing I tried never to be, But lately I’ve been doing alot of shopping. And I’m not going to lie, it made me feel much better. There’s a strange sense of worth and accomplishment that I get from finding a deal, or getting something that really seems to call to me. I was in Aeropostale at scarborough town center today, and I bought a sweater (gray with stars of pink, burgandy, dark gray and white) that I just couldn’t imagin living without. It was 16.99 reduced from 44.98…so already the deal it’s self got me…I also got a shirt…a pair of jeans from stiches (which, by the way, I’m a little surprised I still shop there but they are nice jeans and they where only 10$?! how could i not?) a shirt/dress thing in black so I can wear it to work. The day before I bought a shirt from H&M (5$?! crazy I know) another pair of jeans, which I will have to take a picture of myself in because they are to awsome for you to not see them! and shoes. And if I didnt run out of money I would have probably gone shopping tomorrow too. Is it wrong of me to be doing so much shopping? I mean am I trying to replace an emotion with stylish and outragiously priced goods? and even if I was…..how could I not by those things? they are great prices! I love boxing week. But my excitment for good deals and cheap jeans seems to just fuel my corporate whore-ishness. But is that a bad thing? I’m on vacation….i’ve got the money…I should be allowed to spend as I see fit. I’ve always liked clothes and shoes and bags and jewlery and anything else I could by lower then the original ticketed price…so my main question is…does that make me a cheap date or a corporate shill? either way I’m not returning any of it.

I feel like i’ve fallen into that “Shopping for therapy” stereotype that seems to revolve around everything it is to be a women. when we are angry= we shop. when we are sad= we shop. when we are happy= we shop. when we have some extra cash around the holidays and have nothing really better to do other then hang around local malls and see what’s going to be on sale= we shop. But I really dont mind. I think it’s safe to admit that I’m just lonely. I’ve been spending alot of nights at home…. and I know what you might be thinking “Shut up Odett, I dream of being at home.” well good for you. I want to be out…not really outside, it’s kind of cold. But out…some where! anywhere! I think I spend to much time sitting to tell you the truth. Sitting and standing…never moving or doing anything, and then I go to the mall, and i’m invovled in something that seems so much bigger the me and I want..nay…I need to contribute to it! This could all very well be just me.. and i’m fine with that…I can handle being the creepy girl who enjoys shopping. I dont like crowds, lines or sales associates who follow me around the store like i’m going to steal something…but I love shopping none the less…Having something new makes me feel good. And that’s really all there is to it! dont hate the player hate the game. lol

This is the winter of my discontent

so christmas is tomorrow and i’ve still have to buy 2 gifts. one for my mom and one for my dad. No idea what to get for either of them as they are those type of people who really dont like anything. My dad is a movie-buff but he owns all the moives i could possibly think to buy him so there goes that idea. and my mom is retired so she wouldnt really need any business clothes. what she might need a hobbie but we went even go there….brings up quite a bit of resentment. lol…

I got matt a dress shirt just because i knew he wanted one…well it was more like my mother made me get him a dress shirt. in all honesty i wasnt going to get him anything and i was feeling quite fine about that…however, that plan changed as soon as my mother found out about it. the worst part about having a boyfriend is having your mother adore him. I think i liked it better when she hated all my boyfriends. i cant quite decided which one turned out for the best. anyways, merry chirstmas to all those out there… I know it’s tomorrow but i’m going to be drunk on spiked eggnog (fingers crossed)

word of mouth; slight of hand.

So I should be counting down the days. I should be excited..livid with anticipation…instead i could probably careless…oh wait…let me check on that…no, no as a matter of fact i couldnt. He comes back on friday for christmas break and it feels like such work to have to make time to see him. I’ve gotten so used to not see him that at this point i probably wont notice when he leaves again. that seems a little harsh to say but he hasnt treated me like much of a girlfriend since he’s been gone. and when it comes to my heart absents does nothing for it’s fondness. i’ve been a peice of meat since he’s gone… no need to entertain me, no need to engage in a conversation, just shake your tits for the camera and have a good night. And now that he’s coming back i will be nothing more then a quick fuck and a “so what do you want to do now” like he’s used up all his best ideas. Fuck him. fuck him and all his shit. I miss being treated like a person.

Me: So, i’m going to the mall with my mom in the morning and then it’s (friends name) engagement party in the evening….

Him: So, you dont have time to chill with me if i come in on friday?

Me: well, i was hoping you would want to come to the engagement party…

Him:…well my family is going to want to see me and talk to me so i cant be going all the way to (where she lives)

Me: never mind. Forget I asked.

So…..did you get what i got from that? i was the one who was busy right up until I wanted him to go somewhere with me..then his family wanted to see him…well what would i have done if i was there? i dont want to hang out with his family all night! I’m not even sure i want to hang out with him all night. Long distances put a strain on relationships….but so do ass-faced boyfriends.

This girl at my work today told me i was beautiful. i’ve never really spoken with her…and she just happened to leave work the same time i did today…and she made it just as an off hand comment. so causal like “cold out today?” i was definutly taken back. She asked if i was a model and i laughed and said now (unfortunatly i dont see what she was talking about but to each his own) She’s not the only one in the last few days to tell me this…i’m worried it’s a trap! i’ll get an ego and then everyone will turn on me and be like ” we lied!” and then feel all bad…so i’m just going to awsome that it’s some big conspirarcy and ignore it.

as for the pig-ish boyfriend of mind. i’m sure i’ll find a way to deal with him.

Start from the top

Every now and then I get this urge to change. How I act or even how I dress. It’s never anything major but it’s something that seems so natural to me. I know that changing who you are is never a good idea but sometimes I just feel this urge to be someone new…to re-arrange a part of myself in a different way. Most times I just change my hair, change my writing, change my attitude. But I’ve grown to really like who I am and I wonder if this feeling for change is really driven by something I want or if it’s just out of some sort of ritualistic routine? Have I become so used to changing little bits about me that it’s become second nature whether I want it or not? I didnt really think so but it is possible. I do think it’s possible to make certain thins automatic like breathing, so that you almost don’t notice that you are doing them. I’m sure I could spout some philosophical non-sense to defend that idea but I made a personal promis to forget everything I learned in that class. Go me.

anyway, Matt has some sort of count down to when he comes back (at this point it’s exactly 7 days away)…yay?…It’s a little twisted just because I’ve gotten so used to not seeing him. I mean no he’s not that far off (for anyone who knows ontario really well) he’s in peterborough so it’s not like he couldnt come see me or i see him at some point in time. I’m sure that if he really wanted to see me he would come and find me. It’s not like he couldnt. I havent up and moved at all. It’s not like i couldnt go either though….even though I probably wouldnt have made it with the mass amount of work i had to fucking doo. So mad about that FYI.

(Marina i’m working on that video problem! lol…)