seven days

Schools coming to an end and i’m working on my final essays, waiting for exams. I’m waiting for matt to come back before i make up my mind whether or not i’m going to spend the break with him. we’re having a bit of trouble with the distance thing. he seems to want more then what i’m willing able to give at this point. I’m doing my best but i’m sick and my mind is on other things. I seem to be the one who has tomake him happy at all times even though i’m not happy I’m not supposed to let him know that. at this time it only seems like he’s the one who gets to be unhappy. which i think is unfair…not like i’m allowed to feel that way.

regardless, i have yet to feel like i’m in a relationship since he’s been gone. i’m not sure what to do about it…who knows what i’m supposed to say to him…i’m sure i’ll say something at some point.

Dance-off

I’m sitting my philosophy class and there’s two guys who seem to fight like a married couple….Rob who seems to spout the stupidest shit when he lifts his hand and the teacher seem indulge in his strangeness…the other guy…who’s name i cant recall… is much smarter then Rob but insists on trying to put some logic into rob’s thinking however i dont think that it is possible.

anyway, i have to get an extention on my essay that is due on wednesday. i’ve been so caught up in my grandma’s funeral that it’s been a little hard to focus on my work. i know i should do it today. but i know once i get home i’m going to clean the house, clean my room, do my laundry and go to bed. probably write tomorrow. if i get the extention i will ask for it till friday. that would be long enough to get what i want to say out without sounding like…well…rob. I wish you guys where in that class just so i’m not the only one holding my head when he speaks.

I think the other guy and Rob should have a dance off inorder to fight things out. because that’s how they do it in the streets! and we know how ’street’ york university can be *eye roll*

I’m in the mood for love

I’ve been spending alot of time on my own, since the boyfriend is away at school and then i got the wonderful news that one of my best friends is engaged. I was so excited! we are going out for dinner on thursday to celebrate. It’s a little odd when people my age start to have lives and families. I some how feel that i’m missing something. I’m trying to still grow up when everyone else around me has already don it. I worry that i’m missing something. I guess that i’m going to be a bridesmaid which would be nice. i know she’s going to be a beautiful bride. and i wish her the world of happiness and everything in between. they are going to make some very cute babies.

 Then i consider me and matt and when exactly am i going to get married? i have no idea. even if we are going to get married. Am i even ready to start a family? a life of my own? i dont even know how to fucking cook…i hate cleaning and i’m damn lazy when i get home from working. And i’m way to horrible of a person to have kids. who knows. perhaps one day soon i will make babies and be quite happy with my life…who knows.

I wish i had more important things to talk about

Lie to me till I feel better

I have a very important doctor’s appointment today. I get to go back and hear about some of the test I took a while ago. I’m worried. My stumich is twisting and turning. I know that chances are i’m fine…but those same chances can be that there is some thing wrong. something very wrong. I know it’s nothing grose like an STD; I would need to be having sex to have that…and god knows I havent had that in a while. The point is i’m scared. I havent been this scared since I was in the clown house as Screamers. (I really  really really dont like clowns.)

I’m taking my friend andre with me…He seemed a bit hesitant to come with me…wait till I tell him where it is. I should probably drive…or maybe to be safe I should let him drive. It’s really nice for him to come with me. I’m a little worried that he will think less of me because of my fear of what could turn out to be nothing. But I would rather have someone there if it is something…some one who would be impartical to my tears of either anger or defeat.

I find it particularly hard to deal with situations of this sort of nature. I revert to 4 years old, when I just want to hold someone’s hand and let them lie to me and tell everything will be okay.Even though, deep down inside, I know most times it wont be. Sometimes we need the lie. I think that even though it’s nicer to have the truth it’s easier to have the lie. Sometimes I need the lie till I feel better.